00:00:06 Hello, I'm Bonny Snowdon, ex-corporate person and mother turned successful artist entrepreneur. It wasn't that long ago though that I lacked the confidence, vision, and support network to focus on growing my dream business. Fast forward past many life curve balls, waves of self-doubt, and so many lessons learned. And you'll see ignite my thriving online coloured pencils artist community, a community that changes members' lives for the better and gives me freedom to live abundantly whilst doing what I love and spending quality time with my beloved family and dogs,
00:00:36 all whilst creating my best artwork with coloured pencils and mentoring others to do the same. But this life wasn't always how it was for me. It used to only exist in my imagination. I've created the, It's A Bonny Old life podcast to help increase people's confidence, share mine and my community's experience, and hope through fascinating personal stories, champion the other amazing humans in my personal,
00:00:58 professional, and membership community and create another channel through which I can support others to realize their dreams. If you're a passionate coloured pencil artist or an aspiring one who's looking to create their best work and a joyful life you love, you're in the right place. Grab a cuppa and a custard cream, let's get cracking.
00:01:18 I was really looking forward to speaking to my next guest. She has such high energy, yet it's an incredibly sad backstory. However, her way of dealing with it and understanding how what's happened can actually ultimately put her in a much better place, was just honestly astounding. I could have talked to her forever and it probably sounds like we did talk to each other forever. But I'm delighted to introduce you to the fabulous Alyssa Wack.
00:01:52 Hello.
00:01:52 Hi Alyssa, how are you?
00:01:54 I'm good, how are you?
00:01:56 Oh, I'm really well, thank you. Do you know I've been really looking forward to speaking to you today because, so I listened to your lovely bio that you sent me and then I went onto your Facebook and I saw all of your like such huge energy and I was like, oh my goodness, I really want to speak to this person today cuz I really want some huge energy, some amazing, amazing stuff going on in there. I was like, oh my goodness, this is great.
00:02:29 Thank you. That means the world. I always love having good chats. I'm a chatty Kathy over here so I'm always for all of this stuff.
00:02:41 Oh dear. So yes, I'm very, very looking forward to speaking to, and I know that you've got a, we've never met, we've never chatted. This is the first time and I really love these initial conversations because I think you just get some amazing stuff outta them. You know, when you just start talking to somebody, somebody,
00:03:00 Yeah, I like, I would, I'm just super curious like for you to be sharing other people's story, like what an incredible space holder you must be to be able to like draw these things out. What I, what, what's interesting to me cause I'm super intentional about what I want to be able to bring forward for somebody. And this morning, like I was sitting here this morning, I'm like, okay, what's my intention out of this interview today? And it was just pretty blank. And I was like, well this is interesting. Like I had my intention of what I wanted to bring, but usually there's like more things that wanna come forward. And I was like, oh, okay, well like you must have some things that you're gonna be drawing out of me that I'm not expecting.
00:03:45 So I'm here for it. And you must be, you must be a pretty natural person to be able to draw those things out. So I'm excited to see where this goes.
00:03:54 Well I mean, to be honest, I, I just like to, I just like to chat, you know, as if we're just sitting in a, in a coffee shop and having a coffee and just getting to know each other. I think that is the best way to get to know somebody and to get, you know, just to get interesting facts and learn about somebody. I, I just think that's is just the nicest way of doing it. So I don't have any set questions.
00:04:20 Sounds good.
00:04:20 Some people come on, they're like, come on then what are your questions? I'm like, no, don't, don't have any questions. Let's just talk.
00:04:28 Yes, I am very much that vibe too. I've done a couple interview interviews on my podcast as well and I, they're always like, okay, what's the questions you're gonna ask me? I'm like, there's no questions. We're, we're just gonna have a conversation and see where it flows. Cuz I find sometimes if it's just too structured we block what wants to come through.
00:04:50 Yeah, I think so. I think so. And you've had some huge changes, I mean some really big changes. This is another reason why I was really excited to talk to you because I know you've had an awful lot of of heartache. You've been through an awful lot of heartache, but from that you have now almost found who you are and you want to be able to bring that to other people.
00:05:15 It's kind of funny actually 2018 happened and I had no idea what was coming for me cuz I really like when people, if people were to, if a person was to come to me and be like, Alyssa, what's your story? I don't like, to me it starts in 2018 because had that not happened, I don't know that I would've arrived at the destination I did to where I am today because there was just things that were like unexplainable that had happened. But what I feel like is there's really dark and difficult shit that we can have happen to us. To us. I don't believe it happens to us.
00:05:57 I always like to believe it happens for us, but it feels like in the moment it's happening to us. And in my perspective, from my experience, it has been just a thing that has launched me into growth that whether or want, whether or not I want to admit it, I was really wanting deep down, there were so many things in my life where I felt dissatisfied and ironically enough, me experiencing infertility or I guess it was fertility I was experiencing but just not the way I wanted to be experiencing it was exactly, it really pushed me into diving into more of what it was that I wanted. It made me face a lot of the things that I'd been ignoring my whole life and absolutely the things that I've learned from that moment to where I am today.
00:06:56 I'm just thinking to myself like, this is shit I would've loved to learn about, loved to have knowledge of and be experiencing the way that I am experiencing things. And I'm like, I'm just feeling so I keep saying this word cause it's the only word that comes to mind, but I love it. I'm feeling so incredibly fiery and wanting to help people be able to, to be able to find their way through circumstances. Actually I wrote something. Okay, I have to, this is one thing that I did that kind of came through right before I came onto this meeting and it's this, it's really easy to get caught up in what's happening around us that we forget to bring it back to ourselves. Meaning it's really easy to get consumed by the things that are happening with the people that like whether it's how we're getting treated, whether it's the way, the way that our relationships are feeling, whether it is the way that our health journey is going, whether it is your fertility journey not going the way that you want it to or motherhood or just whatever the hell is going on. We get so consumed by what's happening outside of us that we forget to turn back into ourselves and we can't change the circumstances that's happening outside of us.
00:08:18 We can't change the people and how that they're acting outside of us. We can't change things outside of us, but we sure as shit can change who we are and how we, we interact with what it is that is happening. And that's what I'm learning. I'm really all about and I want to be able to empower people in those specific moments where we can change ourselves, ourselves to evolve, to heal, to change so that the things that once bothered us or feel not good to us, it's not that they won't change, but I'm such a believer that when we can shift, pivot and change, we no longer need those things to change. It just becomes a natural byproduct of finding something that feels better or whatever it is that you wanted just naturally finds you because you're showing up in a very different way.
00:09:18 You now see opportunities that you were completely walking by before because you were so consumed about what was happening around you. And that's, that's where I feel like since 2018 to now has led me to like, ooh, because I find myself in my fertility journey again, my second conception journey looking, working on baby number two. And it's such a different experience for me than it was the first time and it's not going the way that I had wanted it to or hoped it would at all.
00:09:53 We're 17, 18 months in I think now, and I've had three miscarriages and I basically, I just got referred to IVF saying hey, this is your only option. And I said, Nope, it's not for me. I'm not feeling it. My, my body, my souls saying there's something more here. And it felt terrifying but I ripped up the papers.
00:10:19 It just felt like the right thing to do to like symbolically say, this is, this is me saying nope. But I get to experience it so differently. I don't feel angry or hurt by the fact that anytime I've like the, the three miscarriages I've had, this conception journey is just I feel I go through the emotions, the grief, but it doesn't have to consume my days, weeks, or months like it did in my first conception journey.
00:10:46 C Can you talk about that C because you have got, I think you've got her how, how old is your
00:10:52 She's two and a half. Well this, yeah, we'll keep it but June, in June of 2023 she'll be three years old.
00:10:59 Amazing.
00:11:00 Yes, it was,
00:11:00 oh gosh,
00:11:01 there is a song that I came across a couple weeks ago, freedom, I forget who it's by. But anyways, it just makes me think of her in that like the moment I decided to, the moment I decided I was ready to step into motherhood where it was just like, yep, we're ready to start a family. It already made me begin to shift and morph into somebody different where like who you are before being a mom,
00:11:33 being a being a mom kind of goes without saying you're a very different person. You have to become somebody different because all of a sudden you have this little life that's like reliant on you. And the thing that we don't learn about is when you step into motherhood, you have this little human that's now attached to your nervous system, the way that you are experiencing life,
00:11:57 the way that you feel, the overwhelm, the emotions, all of it. You all of a sudden have another life on that. And I mentioned before the way I was experiencing life, even before the whole conception journey had en I had entered into, I wasn't happy where I was working. I was waking up every day already counting down the hours until the end of my day or just like waiting for the weekend,
00:12:25 waiting for one day a week where I could actually genuinely enjoy myself. Now I thought that was normal. I didn't realize how much of a hole it felt like I had in my life. And then when I entered conception it was just like, it just magnified all of what I was already feeling because it wasn't going the way that I wanted. So kind of funny,
00:12:50 me and my husband were, we had decided December or September, 2018, we were like, we're ready, we're gonna, let's start a family. And so we just really, we were super naive jumping into that journey where we were like, we're gonna get pregnant really quickly, like super quick because we just, we looked at both of our families, we've like fertility just seemed to be on our side and not that fertility is always genetic anyways.
00:13:20 It was what's funny and not so funny at the same time, but literally within a month, as soon as I wasn't pregnant within that first month, I already started questioning if there was something wrong with me. I already started to feel like anxious and and worried. I already started like turning to Google anyways, I, we did get pregnant relatively quickly but not the outcome we had hoped for.
00:13:45 We had our first miscarriage in, it was, I think it was December 3rd, 2018 if I'm remembering the day correctly. It was the day that we received our dream home or our tm. We had built an RTM and it was getting delivered that day. We got it And his dad, he lives like right next door to us and he was dealing with illness that year and we got a call from one of his brothers that was concerned about an interaction he had had with him that day.
00:14:12 So we went over there after we were done with our house and his dad was in terrible shape so we had to rush him into the hospital as soon as we showed up. I like, you know, if you're a woman, I feel like anyone could relate as soon as you're about to get your period and you can feel that blood starting to come down.
00:14:31 I felt it as soon as we walked into the hospital as soon as we walked into the hospital. So I was just like, I need to go to the bathroom. And yeah, like there was so much blood, I was quite early but this sounds dumb. That wasn't part of my plan. Like who says that I do because like it's never anyone's plan.
00:14:53 Like you, your plan is to get pregnant until that doesn't happen and then shit just like goes sideways. I don't even know how to explain it. It's just like the rug gets ripped from under you and now all of a sudden everything feels completely unpredictable. And that's what it felt like for me. Thanks. I had a really good friend. My best friend was working in er that day so I just pulled her aside and I explained what was I thought was happening and so she's like, we're not busy, check yourself in. Like let's, let's get you checked out. And my husband, my poor husband, he was between rooms that night between her, his dad and me. Like cuz somebody had to be with his dad. He was not in any sort of coherent state. Yeah, I remember getting the checkup like the doctor doing the internal checkup and my best friend had to be in the room and hold my hand cuz my hu my husband was unable to be there. He was having to deal with his father and it was just, it was mortifying. I remember them telling me the numbers of like my HCg, HSG I always forget whatever the betas, they were te just telling me the betas like you're definitely like the baby is gone. And I just remember staring up at the ceiling thinking like this, this is not part of my plan.
00:16:11 This cannot be happening. Like I, this is, I'm, I'm not meant to have a miscarriage. And I didn't deal with that very well. The very next day I was out shoveling my basement, shoveling snow out of my basement. I think we had like a foot of snow in our basement and we were getting a house put on and I was outside shoveling snow with my husband,
00:16:32 with my stepdad to a point where I literally got physically ill. But I was just like, I wanted to do everything and anything I could to like avoid what was going on. Which is interesting cuz I just think about what I said earlier and like distraction at its finest. That's what I've been doing my whole life. Like I was just, I was always,
00:16:51 I was busy from the moment I woke up to the moment I went to bed every night and having to face something where I think it's an, I would say this would be an absolute miracle if you were a woman and you experienced a miscarriage and you don't take it personally. Meaning for me I was pissed at my body. I felt like my body was failing me,
00:17:11 felt like it was, it didn't even feel like my body. I felt like it was trying to hurt me almost like how could you have not kept this little life form that was starting to form my body safe? Like you didn't keep this thing safe. I like, I was so angry and hurt by it all internally more than anything. And so I was just trying to do everything I could to like distract myself.
00:17:41 And I did take a couple days off of work because like I was a freaking mess but not wanting to acknowledge it but I was like, I, I guess I acknowledged it to some degree cause I didn't go to work but I did finally go back to work and it wasn't, I think I ended up missing that whole week cuz between house staff having a miscarriage and my father-in-law,
00:18:03 we, anyways, I went back to work on the Monday because I felt like I, I should because what would my boss think? My boss would expect me to be there. What about my clients? What about my team? I was just like full of the, like why I needed to go back to work even though really I was not prepared to.
00:18:20 And I feel like that was about the start for me where I would shut my office door and cry on and off all day, not tell anybody. I just, I was ashamed that I even felt that I didn't wanna tell anybody even had a miscarriage. I told a few people. But anyways, fast forward February, 2019. So only really two months after my first miscarriage I got pregnant again.
00:18:52 And that pregnancy happened exactly how the first one did to the day for a miscarriage. I remember getting a call at work it, this was busy season for me. I was a financial advisor so like February was blackout time. You're you're like, you're running. And I remember getting a call at work cuz they, my doctor was amazing. She's like, let's get you in for betas. And so I was, I was excited but I was really reserved, which I really do see that, like as I'm even saying that right now, knowing about what I do right now, I really see that as like a reflection of me not properly dealing with my first miscarriage. Like if that, if you are feeling reserved or scared, it's just reflecting that you've got some unresolved things that you didn't get to like really fully process. And that was very much the case for me. And so I got the call from the doctor saying that, that I'm not gonna keep that pregnancy. The pregnancy was already terminating and I was just like, Nope, you guys like stubborn girl over here. She's like, Nope, no way. This is happening to me a second time. Like my b like I'm not bleeding or anything yet. And they're like, you're gonna bleed the next day or two. Nope. Anyways, they were correct. That was a period from hell for me. And ironically my, the, the moment I started bleeding, I was at home by myself and my husband, he, I forget where he was, but he was at a prior obligation and we had no idea that that was actually gonna happen. Like I, I was pretty certain the doctors fucked up and that I'm like, no. Like I was just so in denial.
00:20:31 I didn't miss a day of work. I did not allow myself to miss one day of work. I know it's blackout season, but like I was going through a miscarriage that's just crazy. Like, not that I think we always need to miss work, but my emotional state was like disastrous. Like I, I was literally at this point even right up right before then, well actually I would say that week I was feeling pretty happy until the miscarriage. But like right up until that point I was crying myself to sleep every night. Not even my husband like silently crying. I would just like roll over and cry myself to sleep. Like I was not in a good mental state.
00:21:11 And I went to work, didn't even miss an effing day of work because I came up with all the stories as to why I needed to be there. Even though my heart wasn't there. I wasn't, I wasn't allowing myself to face how I felt and all of it. But the one thing I did know for certain was there was just this really like calm energy of I think we need to get checked out. I think let's get a referral there. I think there could be something more to what's going on.
00:21:44 And I, with that, it just made me so determined. I booked myself in with my, my family doctor and I was not walking away without a referral. Like, and I think she knew that because they don't refer you to a specialist until either you've had three miscarriages or more or you've been unsuccessful for a year, which I understand. But they also, like women in the conception phase in their lives are given zero resources or support. In my mind, I wasn't given one single thing to support myself going through what I did with miscarriage. Like back to back, miscarriages, grief, counselling, nothing. I was given nothing. And to me that's really sad. Like that's, that's terrible because we don't,
00:22:41 we don't learn how to support ourselves mentally. We don't learn emotions as kids. It's all just what we learn in our households, which is from house. Like it's generational. So like we're not given anything to understand how to like have our bodies operate in an efficient way mentally and physically and spiritually. Anyways. So I did get a referral but I just like,
00:23:10 I basically shut down. I couldn't, I was terrified to conceive again because I wasn't, I couldn't, I was not prepared to have to go through another miscarriage. I just couldn't handle it. And mentally I was already starting to isolate myself. I couldn't stand having conversations with people like how do you expect me to be able to have a conversation with somebody?
00:23:36 They don't understand what it is that I'm going through. It just lack of a better word. I just wanted to cry all the time. I was, I was like even have conversations with my husband, I couldn't even muster up the energy to have any sort of meaningful conversation with him. And any social activities I'd been doing, I stopped, couldn't even bring myself to go to that.
00:23:58 I remember going to a hockey tournament that I was in and I like ran outta there crying because it just, to see people happy when I'm feeling so far from that, I just felt like I didn't belong. I felt like there was something wrong with me and it just felt dark. So fast forward a couple months waiting for my referral to come through,
00:24:22 I started to feel intrigued to wanna look into what's happening. Like how can I better support myself. I mean, I kind of went into this thinking, boom, it's gonna happen. I'm not gonna have to change anything in my life like nutrition. Just, I, I literally just thought I would continue to operate and function the same way I was.
00:24:43 Like supplements, just anything. Like I, I was clueless when it came to fertility and, but I actually started researching some of that and I ended up going to a natural path which actually helped me quite a bit in just preparing my body and supporting my body better for fertility. And it was right around the same time I got to see my specialist and she decided to book me in relatively quickly for,
00:25:11 see I always get this confused, the H C G or H S G where they inject the dye into your uterus. And that was, I wanna say on Canada Day weekend cuz I am a Canadian. And so that was like July 1st. So maybe it was July 2nd, I actually got booked in for that anyways around. Cause that was the end of May.
00:25:31 And I was realizing around that time in my life that my world felt like it was falling apart. Like I was hardly keeping my own shit together. I was like, whatever energy I could muster was me bringing it to my clients so I could still advise them with their finances, invest their money accordingly. And I, I was still meeting all of my goals and targets in that,
00:25:56 but I, like, I don't even know how I was doing it, but whatever little ounce of energy I did have, it was focused in that. But my boss, he wasn't supportive. And let's just say when I finally shared what was going on, it didn't go well. Meaning I was very much fearing for my job with zero support behind me.
00:26:19 So I realized that I was gonna need to take a mental health leave. I kind of felt like I got backed into a corner where like, I mean me and my husband were fine, but we were not thriving in any means. My social life was nonexistent. Like literally everything in my life has fallen apart into crumbles. And I had no other option of like,
00:26:42 I, the last thing I could really remove in my life so I could begin to like focus on my own shit again was work. So I'd been thinking or considering that for a couple months before I actually did it, but the thought of doing it felt disgusting to me. I felt like a failure. It just felt so wrong. I felt like it just felt like such an embarrassing move.
00:27:07 What would my parents think? What would my coworkers think? What would my friends think? Like to have to tell my friends that I actually, I'm off on mental health leave. It was very uncomfortable because it just felt like a big thing of weakness, which is so far from truth. But yeah, like we just don't learn to take our mental health seriously.
00:27:32 Like I think, do we treat a broken arm the same way that we do our mental state?
00:27:38 Yeah. I I I totally, I totally get this and, and I've got to be, I I get quite not triggered, but this, this is something that I've been through as well and, and, and we just, it's almost like just gotta put a brave face on I'm tough. I'm, I can get through this, I don't need to, you know, I don't wanna hear other people's mental health stuff, you know, and then, and in then it's like, oh my god, oh my god, I can't go any further and I need to do something about this. And that's when you know it, it all starts to come out and you can start to heal.But my goodness, you know, it's, it is tough. It is really tough, especially if you're the sort of person who wants to keep it in and not
00:28:26 Yes,
00:28:26 it, it's almost like, it's almost embarrassing to say that I've got some mental health issues and, and it shouldn't be like that.
00:28:35 It shouldn't, it really shouldn't. Like it does it, like I would say, if I were to put a couple words on it, I think you nailed it on the head. It feels embarrassing. It feels shameful because it feels like you're doing something wrong. I would, I feel like those would be the two biggest things, but it's like you've almost hit an emotional rock bottom because you just can't operate that way anymore.
00:28:59 Whether it's from a mental standpoint because you just finally internally say, I can't fucking operate this way anymore. Like I, this just, I just can't do it. Lack of a better like sentence that is that, or it's because you've hit that rock bottom in your life where it's just like, I've got no option. It's, it's now I need to because everything else feels like it's fucking fallen apart.
00:29:26 And you make, you make, I think you make some really strange decisions like, like your decision to carry on working, not telling anybody. I can remember my ex-husband died during lockdown. I couldn't go to his, his funeral because I wasn't married to him anymore. And they were only allowed a certain amount of people at the funeral. So it was his family, his new wife and, and my children. And I can remember thinking, oh, I'll, I'll run a live stream while my children are at my ex-husband's funeral. I didn't, I I I, but I didn't tell my students that it was my ex. in fact, I didn't tell an awful lot of people that he died for a very long time.
00:30:10 And, and I think because, because I'd had quite a lot of mental health going on when we were married and that wasn't sorted out. And then all of a sudden we had this, he, he sadly, he, he took his own life and I made some really odd decisions, But I don't think they are so odd. Like they, now that you look back at them,
00:30:30 they're odd. But I think in those, Yeah, They make perfect sense because it's a, for coping, it's mechanism for us to keep ourselves safe. And I would say I resonate with that because I was doing by all means necessary to keep myself safe and to keep myself safe, meant to distract myself from what it is that I'm experiencing and feeling because it's too much.
00:30:58 I couldn't face what was going on. And if I'm being even more honest here, which anybody who knows anybody who knows me, I am like, I am a complete freaking open book. I didn't know my emotions and expressing my thoughts and how I was perceiving things. They weren't welcomed when I was little because they were uncomfortable. And to be quite frank,
00:31:27 if they weren't welcomed when I was little, it's because probably wasn't welcomed for those that I was around when I was little either. So generation to generation, we don't know how to make sense of our emotions. We don't know how to make sense of these thoughts and that shit feels so personal. So it's just like, nope, can't handle it. Or if you are around somebody,
00:31:48 let's say in my instance where you're dealing with somebody who struggles with anger or rage, you are gonna keep that ship so ti tightly boxed up because you're gonna try to create any sort of safe environment for yourself as a kid. And then here you are and you're, you're being faced with difficult moments and we don't know how to deal with them. So we try to distract ourselves or try to just,
00:32:17 sometimes it's even just distracting ourselves so much where we're kind of due to accomplish. So like there was a point where I really poured myself into trying to conceive and trying to figure out why it's not happening and I'm gonna do more and I'm gonna do more to make it happen. And that's still like equally as distracting because you're, I'm the hamster on a wheel going nowhere.
00:32:38 But it makes perfect sense why we do those things. It's just responses we learnt to try to protect ourselves so we don't have to face the hurt and the pain. And if, if there's anything I've learned in the moments where we feel emotionally charged in a negative way towards something, it is probably one of the biggest catalysts to be able to heal those things because it's just giving us an opportunity of,
00:33:03 hey, I want your attention because this is hurting us for a reason. And if I could say one thing, it would be 99.9% of my experiences I have today. The reason why I feel negative about them isn't because of what's actually happening today. It's because of something that happened to me a long ass time ago, but yet it, it's playing out too right now.
00:33:25 My husband picking clothes off, off, not picking up his clothes off the floor, it, I'm not feeling upset and pissed off because he is not doing it today. I'm feeling upset and pissed off because at some point in my childhood I felt like I wasn't important. And this feels like a fucking blatant disrespect to me, to the little five year old me who's saying,
00:33:42 Hey, this is important to me and hey, you're not fucking doing it. And then it's, I'm making it mean something and I'm, I'm charged towards him. And it's just like, why? Yeah, well that's why. Okay, well let me support myself and let me realize this isn't happening right now. Just because he is not picking up the clothes off the floor doesn't mean I'm not important.
00:34:01 That is, you know, that is such an important point, such an important point because these little, these little, well they're tiny little whispers. They, they come through as tiny little whispers and if you don't take notice of them, they get louder and louder and louder until it is like a massive kick up your backside. You need to sort this out, you need to do some self-reflection. You need to work out why this keeps on happening. So what I, I get this all of the time. I get, you know, certain emails or something like that that come through really. I read them on my, you know, and and they're there for a reason. They're there for me to go, I don't need to worry about this. I can just go, thanks for your feedback and send them on your way. I don't need to go and start replying and go because that does nothing. I need to understand that I, it, it's not all about me and it's not all about my opinion and what I say and all of that kind of thing. Other people have got opinions as well and, and I completely get that. But there are certain conversations that happen and it's generally via, via email that, that occasionally just get the better of me. And they're there for a reason. They're there as a little reminder. Bonny, are you practicing? Are you practicing? You know how you can just ignore stuff or just take a deep breath and doesn't matter, you know? And sometimes you can and sometimes you can't. And I, I dunno where that comes from. And that is what you've just said, said then is, is is really, really important to, you know, reflect on why, why am I triggered by that? Why do I get angry by this or that or the other? And not to go back into your, you know, your childhood and try and force something to be, you know, to be the reason. But, but there will be something that, that you know, is why you get upset by something or angry or something by something. And it, and it's really good to reflect on that.
00:36:04 I, I could not agree more. And yeah, I'm not saying that we always need to unpack everything, but I think what is most powerful is saying they're really pissing me off. That email that they sent that post ic, that text, I received that phone call, it was super fucking shitty. And instead of focusing on what they did that was super shitty. It's like, okay, if I'm feeling shitty, like what lens is it that I'm looking through? What is it that, what story is it that I'm creating? Because we have thoughts. Those thoughts create an emotion and those emotions are created so we take action. But the bulk of the time, the reason why we're feeling those emotions is from a past experience that isn't actually happening. So how can we take action from that if it's not actually happening, but we are taking action from it. Cuz it's, it's getting us to have an an a reaction or a behavior based off of this old story. And it's saying, is this old story actually serving what it is that we're wanting to experience and create in the bulk of the time? It isn't. And so it's more just like being compassionate because I just think of being a mom.
00:37:19 So I guess if I were to just like fast forward, I like, so I guess you had mentioned, yeah, I have a two and a half year old daughter, so becoming a mom and being someone who has been so closed off to how she has felt her whole entire life until well hmm, fertility happened, it made me, it made me face that anger has been an issue and I've,
00:37:42 I always have just thought I am an angry person, but no, I'm not an angry person. That shit was showing up because it's like putting hot, it's like you're putting a kettle on a stove, I'm going to explode because it's, I'm, there's, you cannot contain it anymore. It gets to that point and it feels like chaos is about to ensue.
00:38:05 Something as simple as my daughter grabbing a raw egg and she's got it in her hand. It looks like she's about to smash it, it literally would feel like she's got a bomb in her hand and she's about to throw it. That's what it would feel like to my nervous system and my overreactions are no reactions. How did I even arrive at this spot?
00:38:23 I have no idea. How did I arrive here?
00:38:25 We were talking about, we were talking about, I think you were about to, to, you were taking some time off your mental health and you were, you, let's go back there. You didn't have the support or anything. Cause yeah, I think, I think at that point you left out,
00:38:41 you left work early, didn't you? You you, you decided to
00:38:45 Yeah, I I took a mental health leave from work. Yeah. I really struggled to get to that point of wanting to take that mental health leave. But the literal moment I did felt like so much freedom in actually choosing what I needed and not what others needed. And sometimes it's funny what we create in our own minds,
00:39:08 what we think others need or want when they aren't actually needing or wanting it. But just in our minds we're thinking that they do. And so that felt like a huge weight got lifted off my chest as soon as I was just like, you know what? Fuck everybody's el else's expectations, needs, wants, this is what I'm needing. Like I need time off from work so I could try to build this,
00:39:33 like build my life back up again because it just, it was gone and it was a couple weeks after that I ended up getting my fertility diagnosis. So rare condition over here, I'm a unicorn uterus. I remember sitting on the table when I got that, that diagnostic test and her coming to me and letting me know what that meant. And basically my uterus,
00:39:59 it's a half a uterus, so only half of my uterus developed and it being abnormal is gonna cause issues with implantation and with it being half size, it's obviously gonna cause a lot of other issues for a lot of other things. So surrogacy, i b f natural isn't off the table, but statistically speaking it's gonna be a lot more difficult. I found a group on Facebook for it because there's not a whole lot of information out there on my condition because,
00:40:33 you know, you go to Google when you find stuff out and there are so many women in there that have had successful pregnancies after years and years of trying or have just had to call it quits. They couldn't do it anymore. And so I really didn't know what my future held. I cried my like, I cried for a week straight. I shut you not for a full effing week because I just remember seeing my husband right after that exam and just immediately crying.
00:41:06 Like I couldn't even get a word out. And when I finally did, we sat down and I was just like, I don't even know what this means for us. Like I, we both know we really wanna be parents, but like, I don't even think I can carry her own child anymore. Like, I don't know that pregnancy's even on the table for me.
00:41:23 And that really felt crushing. And so I needed some time to digest what just kind of got handed to me. And it took me a week of really grieving the way I wanted things to be. And I was like, after a week I just hit this spot. It was like a, a new emotional rock bottom of like, okay, like I can't just keep sitting here and crying.
00:41:50 I wanna move forward. I need to make some choices here. Like I need to figure this out. So what does that mean? And to me, this was a really, really pivotal moment in my journey because from the moment we stepped into we're ready to get pregnant, like we're ready to start conceiving to this point, I had not faced what I was experiencing or feeling up until that point.
00:42:17 I didn't, I wasn't acknowledging how I felt at all. If anything, I was really discounting it. I kept just saying, well, I'm miscarrying early, doesn't matter, not a big deal or that kind of stuff. But your body's still going through it. You still have hormones, you, your mind is still going through it because you've already started to perceive a different reality.
00:42:39 You already imagined holding this beautiful healthy baby in your arms and that gets just swiped from you, like you. And so I wasn't acknowledging any of that. I wasn't acknowledging the biggest thing that I had been running from, from the moment. It didn't happen the way I'd imagined and I should you not, that would've really been the first month of our conception,
00:42:59 the very first cycle I had. And I didn't get pregnant, I entered this, I was terrified. I was never gonna get to become a mom. What if this doesn't happen? And it was like I had been running, imagining this fear being a person that had been chasing after me and I had been running from it. And then all of a sudden I stopped and I turned around and I looked in its face and I was just like,
00:43:24 what are you? And then I realized I'm terrified. I'm never gonna get to become a mom. And getting that diagnosis just made it that much bigger for me because if you look at statistics, that could be a very realistic reality that I never get to at least bear my own child. Surrogacy could be an option for sure, but that was never part of what I ever wanted.
00:43:49 And so when I realized that I was terrified I was never gonna get to become a mom, I was like, well, I can sure as shit close my eyes and imagine my life without being a mom, but that does not feel good to me. That is not something I want, that is for dang sure. And so I thought, okay,
00:44:09 if I'm terrified, I'm never gonna get to become a mom. And I know in my heart I really wanna become a mom. Now what? Now it's my options. Well, adoption or surrogacy or I V F. Well, to be quite honest, no, no and no I like, I want a natural pregnancy. I want it to be a surprise and I wanna carry my own pregnancy.
00:44:30 I wanna carry my own child. I wanna feel those kicks. And I just knew so deeply that is what I wanted. And when I arrived at that destination of, okay, this is what I want and if this is what I want, time no longer matters. As long as I get that we can quit running, we'll get there all, all of a sudden I didn't need to run anymore from what felt like it was chasing me.
00:44:56 And if I were to put it into like a metaphor or an analogy, it felt like I was running down this really dark subway tunnel and I really couldn't see anything. And there was like a tiny little flicker of light at the end and it felt like there was somebody behind me with a dagger chasing after me that I was running for my effing life from.
00:45:17 And all of a sudden in that moment, I turned around and I faced it and I fought it off. All of a sudden it was like, actually it wasn't even fighting at off, it was just, it was realizing that maybe this didn't have ill will to me at all. And maybe we could actually help each other. And then having that happen,
00:45:37 it was like all of a sudden the lights in the subway system turned on and all of a sudden I see all of these doors surrounding me. I don't have to chase that little flicker of light anymore. It didn't feel so dark, it felt, I just, I felt hope again. And I actually started to be able to do things that felt good,
00:45:57 like genuinely felt good. And I hadn't had that for months. I remember going on a canoe trip just like two or a week after all of that, and it was with my cousins and my mom. We did a three day canoe trip down the North Saskatchewan River in the mountains. Oh, it felt so good. I actually like, I found genuine joy in what was surrounding me despite still not knowing the certainty that laid before me.
00:46:26 But in my heart I was like, I trust myself. Like we're gonna navigate this. We'll we'll get there, we'll figure it out. And I ended up having a third miscarriage shortly after, right on my birthday, lo and behold. But what was different is I felt grief, I felt disappointed, but it didn't consume me. I could feel the grief,
00:46:51 but I could also feel hope and happy. And I actually felt excited. I felt like, okay, like my body is working here, it's trying. It just didn't quite get it this time. And that's alright. And so that was an interesting experience. And what was super cool, two weeks after that or so I remember it was just like an average day.
00:47:11 And at this point I'm back to work part-time. So it's just an average day and I'm, my husband just hopped into bed and I'm shortly after him and I'm just a, like, I am just feeling like if a kid before Christmas, like, you know when you're like five years old and you know, know Santa's coming and you're just like, you're so excited for all of these gifts,
00:47:32 you can hardly contain yourself. You don't even wanna sleep cuz you're just so excited. Like that times 10 is how I felt. And I like come running into the bedroom and I jump onto the bed like literally two feet on the floor, jump two feet onto the bed and I'm like, all of a sudden I'm on my hands and she's in the bed and I'm just like kissing like a cat,
00:47:51 like a fricking weirdo. And he's like giving me some weird looks. What is going on with you Liz? And I was like, I dunno, but we're gonna have a baby. Like the pregnancy's coming, like I can feel it in my bones. And he just like gave me such a weird look. He's like, all right, like I'm digging this vibe like,
00:48:11 but I'm also tired. Like I want what you're on, but I'm also tired. So like, if you could turn this down a notch. And I was just like, hmm, you just could not kill that energy. Like I was just, yeah. So a week after that had a hysteroscopy to confirm my diagnosis and add on an additional one endometriosis.
00:48:33 And I shit you not, the day after that hysteroscopy, I'm laying at home cuz it's a surgery. I had two weeks off of work and I v F clinic called Let's Book You in Alyssa. And I asked the question, what if I say no? And they said, well, you would have until the end of the year to keep this referral,
00:48:56 but after the end of the year, then that referrals happen. You're gonna need to get a new referral. So I said, okay, no thank you. No, no appointment, please. And I remember texting my husband saying, you b f clinic just called. And I just said, no, what the fuck? Like, I was terrified,
00:49:15 but I was also just like that moment I had where it was a full body, this is fucking happening. I don't like, I want it this way, I want it my way. Call it stubborn, call it whatever you want. But I call it, this is what my body's telling me, like when you really tune in your intuition, like there's things that we genuinely want and sometimes we try to sacrifice it because we're worried.
00:49:41 And I, I just fully leaned back into I'm not sacrificing anything. And like, let's trust, let's trust here. That cycle, that literal cycle, I got pregnant, I was like, I told, like I, I actually ended up getting a little infection in one of the incisions from that hysteroscopy. So I was just like, Nope. Like let's just enjoy this month.
00:50:04 Let's just have fun. I had like put myself in an intuition course and yeah, like zero focus energy, anything on conceiving that month. But you know, sometimes when you're in the mood, the one, the one and only time that month we were in the mood, it happened. I remember telling my husband like, oh, you could swear I'm pregnant,
00:50:27 but there's like no chance I could be pregnant. Like not a chance. And yeah, I was surprised, very surprised. And when I found out, like I just, I was no rush to take beta tests, nothing. I just knew, I knew she was coming. And so that was really cool. My, that became my focus. And what was interesting though is I knew,
00:50:52 I knew there was something in what I experienced that I would have to share, I would wanna share one day because like to be able to be in such a place of like, this is fucking happening and it be such an embodied experience, but it felt so outta body. I'd never experienced anything like that. Or the moment where I could just face what it was that I was experiencing and be able to work with it in a way that like three months later I arrived at a pretty cool destination.
00:51:19 Or even a month later I arrived at a destination where I'm having a third miscarriage. And it was no shit on me. Like it just didn't matter. It mattered a little bit, sure. But it consumed me for an hour, not a day, a month or even a week. And that was powerful for me. So I knew I would wanna share it one day,
00:51:36 but I had no idea when baby became my focus and I had her June, 2020 and it was like the most laid back birth experience ever, like most casual, like I feel like I just like rolled into the hospital. Cause I knew she was breach. And like mind you too, this was June, 2020. So like lockdown happened in March of 2020 in June.
00:52:02 So not at all the way I would've expected her birth to go, but I was like literally rolled in. I was like, she's breached, they don't doree births there. And I was like, yeah, she's breach. You're gonna have to call the doctor. And my water broke. So it was just like the most laid back birth ever. I literally walked up onto the table,
00:52:21 they're like, you're not even having contractions yet. And I'm like, Nope. Like, okay, let's do the epidural, let's get that baby. I was just so casual, it so weird. And like she came out and she was just so quiet. It was so cool. Anyways, something interesting happened for me because I like, so let me back up for a second.
00:52:39 I remember thinking when conception wasn't going the way that I wanted, that if I could just have this, then my life would feel fulfilled. It would feel perfect, it would feel good If I could just have this pregnancy and get that baby my life will finally feel complete. My life will finally feel full. This was what I was not expecting is for that to be so far from the truth.
00:53:07 I had her and it took me quite a, like, it took me a couple weeks to be like really like holy shit. Like I'm holding her. Like this is something I wanted so badly. And, and I mean, when you first, like first time parents, when whenever you do become first time parents, your very first child or children,
00:53:27 if you have multiples, if that's your first one, it's a shock because you are learning a new way of operating as a couple, but also as a person, your identity's changing. So it's a shock, but you also all of a sudden have this beautiful life form attached to you. And it, it's stressful navigating that. But for me it felt so much more than that in the sense of like,
00:53:55 I have her. But like I remember two and a half months, I remember the day, August 28th, 2020, like I don't even, it was so weird. But that whole week leading up to that day, weeks leading up to that day, I remember calling my mom almost every single day bawling because I was just angry at my husband for all the things he was and wasn't doing.
00:54:21 I was just angry with the way that things felt. I, I was just angry with all the things going on around me and that it didn't feel good. I felt unappreciated, I felt unseen, I felt unacknowledged. I felt like I didn't matter. It just, it was one thing after another and I was almost crying every single day and complaining about just the shit going on around me.
00:54:47 And I was sick of it. And I just remember that day, August 28th, where I was sitting in the living room of my dream home, the one that we built from the ground up, and I'm on maternity leave, I'm getting money put into my bank account. I have a job, a great job, a career that I was working towards for seven years that was a life was gonna be my lifelong career.
00:55:08 One I imagined I would retire from. And there I am thinking, what the fuck am I doing? I'm crying almost every single day. And I remember wanting Hayden, my daughter, I wanted her so badly and here she is, she's happy, she is healthy, she is, she was the happiest baby ever. Like, what is wrong with me to be feeling this way?
00:55:33 Like why am I wanting to, like, why am I so angry at my husband all the time? Like, why are we fighting all the time? Why am I noticing all of these things around me that are making me feel miserable? And it just kind of hit me because like I was there in that room with her, but my mind wasn't,
00:55:53 my mind was so wrapped into the conversation I had with my husband the day prior and how it didn't feel good to me. My mind was wrapped around what I wanted to say to him when he got home. My mind was wrapped around the meal I had to cook and my mind was wrapped around the development things that I needed to do for her. My mind was wrapped around the fact that I didn't wanna have to go back to work.
00:56:11 And I'm like only two and a half months into my maternity leave, I don't have to figure that out for another shit. What would that be, nine and a half months? Why am I even worrying about that right now? Then it was right then where it was just like, what am I doing? Like if, if my daughter came to me in 20 years saying,
00:56:31 boom, boom, boom, boom, boom. This is all the shit I'm feeling. This is what I'm experiencing. I'm waking up and I'm just dragging my feet because I'm not pumped about the day that's leading before me and that's my, every single day I'm ca I feel like I'm back in school again where you're literally watching the clock waiting, waiting for that bell to go off so you can go home and you can actually do something you enjoy.
00:56:52 I would be thinking to myself, oh no, like let's create something better for you sweetie. I would want so much more for her. But the real kicker was if I want that for her, what? Why wouldn't I want that for me too? If I want that, if I want that happiness for somebody else, why wouldn't I want that happiness for me,
00:57:09 why wouldn't I want to wake up every single day where time doesn't even freaking matter? I'm just pumped about the shit that's about to unfold in the day, and I sometimes don't even know what it is. Why can't I feel passionate about the whole entire day that's leading up before me? Why can't every day feel like I'm on vacation? And that was a bit of a wake up call for me because I,
00:57:29 I almost felt very desperate in that moment where I was just like, I need to make this happen. I am like, I need to create a change. I cannot operate this way anymore. Which is funny because what we were talking about a little bit earlier, to me, I think we hit two rock bottoms. Ones where your life is forcing you to change because shit's just gone,
00:57:47 gone so sideways. But another one is that emotional rock bottom, because internally you cannot take that state anymore. That state is just unbearable. And it wasn't that I was suicidal, but it did feel like, what the fuck's the point of being here if this is the what I'm experiencing and feeling, especially when I have everything that promised me what should be happy.
00:58:12 Like I've got all of these wonderful things, yet I'm not feeling pretty fucking wonderful. I'm actually feeling the, like, I'm feeling the opposite. And so one thing led to another, I started practicing mediumship because I jumped into a program. I was desperate. I was so desperate for change. I was like, Hey, let's book myself in for a mediumship reading that will give me the,
00:58:33 the guidance I need. And she's like, actually, I'm not doing one-on-ones. I'm offering a course right now. And I was just like, tell me more. Because like, I was just so desperate to, I, like, I think I need to be somewhere with you and I, and so whatever she said, I was just like, yep,
00:58:49 sign me up. Like, I need this. I need something to put me somewhere different. I'm not where I need to be. This isn't working for me. My husband was fully supportive. I started doing mediumship readings and man did, I loved it. I loved, I loved giving people guidance and I, I was shocked at the shit coming through that I could just give them.
00:59:12 And it still just didn't quite feel enough. I wanted to be able to offer them more. But what was also really interesting to me, me was that was the moment I realized how misaligned my life was with the things that were important to me. I had created a life that was like the world or I, the society's idea of success. I had a great paying job.
00:59:38 I had a husband, I had now a daughter. I had our dream home. We built from the ground up. I had, I had all of these great things. I had investments, but I never actually took a step back to understand what's important to me. What are the things that I hold near and dear? And when I became a mom,
00:59:56 it was just like my whole world shifted and all of a sudden family time, I'm realizing family time is something that literally is like adding fuel to a fire. It feels, it just was making me roar. It gave me a whole, it just, it energized me. But that was what was shocking to me was, if this is so energizing to me,
01:00:19 why am I gonna go back to a job where I'm working more than I am with then spending time with my family? Like, no wonder I'm not looking forward to going back to work even though it held a lot of secure things for me. So q the resignation, I realized like if I could just choose one thing that would create the biggest effect in my life to what it is that I wanna create,
01:00:44 and to me it's more family time. It would be well, family time, but I also, we also planned for me to be working full-time, we need that income. So if I could change one thing, it's quitting my full-time job to become an entrepreneur because you've got a hell of a lot more freedom. But truth be told, that something I have always wanted to do,
01:01:04 but never gave myself permission to explore because it felt terrifying. And what, what, what better time to do it than when you become a mom and all of a sudden, like that just magnifies your risk. It makes more sense to do that when you have more to take, right? Could have done this at a way better time, but hey it happens when it happens.
01:01:24 And I just started exploring what that would look like without knowing. It's like a, it's cuz that's the thing that we get stuck on is it's like, well, I don't have clarity yet, so I don't know. I'm just not gonna take action. Clarity comes in the action. Imagine you're going down this dark ass path of stepping stones. You don't where know where that next stepping stone's gonna be until you take it.
01:01:49 So like you take that one stepping stone, that's your one action. That action is what creates that next clarity, that next path to the next stepping stone. So like, it's like you're waiting for you to know this is what the final destination's gonna look like. Well, no, sometimes we don't know what that final destination's gonna look like. You're starting wage,
01:02:07 like you're, you're looking for the big picture. We're not there yet. And so that's what it's been like for me. And I've just become so, so incredibly passionate about getting people to the same destination of almost, almost like an ultimate freedom of expression in your life where it's just like you almost have this certain trust within yourself of this might not make sense to other people,
01:02:36 but this sure shit makes sense to me and that's all that matters. Or I think also like, just imagine being able to show up in a way in your life where the, the things that are happening outside of you, they may upfront impact you and how you feel, but you can actually use that as information to put yourself on a better path or feel better so that that stuff doesn't have to affect you going forward. If that makes any sense.
01:03:04 No, it definitely does.
01:03:05 So that's just what I'm, I'm so incredibly passionate about something that I so deeply believe in is we're always so focused. And I just think of the, I just had a vision in my mind of like, I was so focused on getting pregnant with Hayden, having that baby in my arms, that I lost focus of what beauty was happening in the journey of even getting there. It's like our whole life is a metaphor of a road trip, but we're always so hyper focused on quickest, fastest route to get to the final destination. No, no, no. You're missing the best parts. Like let's just hop in a vehicle, throw all the great shit in our camper in the back and let's make these beautiful pit stops cuz you're driving through the mountains.
01:03:54 Do you really wanna hop on a flight and miss the beauty of all of the mountains versus no, let's hop on a vehicle. Let's soak this shit up. Let's soak up all the food that we could absorb. Like we're, we're missing the, the beautiful pit stops along the way. The experience of like, I don't know about you, but being in a vehicle where everyone is got their technology turned off and it's just you in the road and music or just you chatting.
01:04:24 Those are the parts where you have like the funnest, deepest conversations. It's laid back nowhere to be. That is my vision of like, I would, I just would love for people to be able to experience life in that way because that's the way it should be. It's like, fuck the destination, the destination's great, but you get to the destination and you're gonna create a new one, a new checkpoint. So,
01:04:44 You know, it is, yeah. And it's the memories that you create and it's, and it's, it's very similar kind of to what I teach. Well I try and teach with my, with my coloured pencils work. It's, it's not about the old, the, you know, the finished piece. What we love is the process. It's the bit from the start to the bit in the middle, you know? And, and when we finished, that's not where all of the joy comes from. The joy comes from being and doing and creating, you know?
01:05:15 Absolutely.
01:05:16 And, and absolutely right about, you know, just enjoying being with family. My eldest son's just arrived back, now I can hear his car. But when we go on like road trips going somewhere where we are there, we're as a family and we're singing or we're telling jokes or we're telling stories and it's, do you know, those are the memories that are just wonderful. I wish should you reflect back On and we need to do more, more of those.
01:05:45 It is like, I would ask the question of do you want, does one really want to have to push force in fight their way to the destination or do they wanna sit back, have fun and enjoy the experience of getting to the destination? Because to me, here's a perfect example. I built my house. That was the destination goal for me.
01:06:10 Building a house. Boom, we built the house, we got it. Is there a specific memory and time that I remember when I finally reached that destination of getting the house? Not at all. It was the memories of getting to that des destination that I reflect back on that gave me the experience I was ultimately looking for. I remember the quality time I got to spend with my husband that like,
01:06:36 we were busy doing stuff to work on our house because I was a penny pincher. And I remember mo starting to move stuff over to the house that felt so exciting. I remember going to the store and picking out all of this stuff. And the unfortunate part is when we're so hell bent and caught up in what's going on around us, we miss those beautiful opportunities for the memories that we're actually craving.
01:07:03 But we're missing because we're so focused on what is the destination and where it is that we wanna go. And I'm not saying that there's anything wrong with you if you're caught there, I'm just saying there's a lens you're looking through that you're kind of stuck on and it's easy to dissolve that lens. But we need to acknowledge, we need to slow down.
01:07:26 Why does this feel so big to me? What stories am I telling myself? And I just, I come right back to our thoughts, creator emotions and how it is that we feel. So what thoughts are you thinking and are those thoughts stories that would be absolute truth to a little five-year-old's child that you love so dearly, whether it's your own child,
01:07:49 niece, nephew. Absolutely. It's not going to be truth. So why is it truth for you? It isn't. And it, it's a lot harder to change that narrative for sure. But to acknowledge that we could be showing up in a way that's doing ourselves a disservice is the biggest service you could do to yourself. The moment we can turn that mirror inwards to get honest and vulnerable with,
01:08:15 with ourselves is the moment we begin to quit giving power away to the things that are outside of us. And that's making us feel some sort of way. And that is powerful beyond measure for me.
01:08:27 That is such a lovely message to finish on. And I think, you know, there's so many points in our conversation over the last sort of hour and a hour and a bit that I'm kind of,
01:08:38 you know, it's, it's making me reflect on stuff. It's making me think, you know, am I getting up every morning? Am I really enjoying my day? Is there stuff in there that I don't wanna do because do I have to do it? Not really, no. You know, and we can all make choice. I mean, sometimes it's hard to make choices because we've gotta make a living and,
01:09:01 you know, look after family and everything. But we can all make choices about the time that we give to certain elements of what we do. And I think it's, you know, I think we lose, we really, really lose track of the fact that we can actually make choices.
01:09:18 Absolutely. It's turning that I have to, to I get to.
01:09:23 Hmm.
01:09:23 And something super sh like that's just, that's something super simple to do to shift that narrative.
01:09:29 Yeah. Amazing. You know, it's been, it's been an absolute joy talking to, it really has. I know you've been through so much heartache and everything, but the transitions that you've been through to get to where you are now, you know, and to see you sitting here and you've got the most gorgeous, lovely face and it's, there's, it's radiating. You know, you have this lovely sort of aura and that's, you know, there's never, ever with something that's happened, you know, with, with your life. There's never a silver lining ever. But what you can do is you can learn to learn from what's happened to you and you can make decisions to, to do things differently. It's an opportunity Differently. Yes. It really, really is. It really is and is no, you know, anything like that. It's, it's, it's horrific. It's absolutely awful. But making a decision to do things differently or to think differently or to make those changes, I think is absolutely, is incredible. Really is.
01:10:35 I, the one thing I would have to say is I wouldn't change my fertility experiences. Like if the six miscarriages I've had, I wouldn't change them for the world. I would do it 1000 times over to be where I am today because it, not that I've seen it right away, but they did give me an opportunity to shift, pivot, or change or even learn something about myself and how to support myself in a better way,
01:11:00 a more empowering way. Because I do believe any problem we ever, anything that we ever perceive as a problem is an opportunity for us to find the op it, it's an opportunity for us to find the opportunity for that shift, pivot, or change. I believe that very Much we've gone all goose bumpy. Oh gosh. Honestly, I I, I have just loved,
01:11:26 loved talking to you. I really have. I, I think you've got the most incredible story, but, but the most amazing information to give out. I, I just think it's wonderful and I thank you so much for being so honest and sharing all with me. I'm, I'm, I really, really am very appreciative, you know, thank of our conversation.
01:11:53 Yeah. Thank you so much for being a space holder, a natural space space holder that you are for holding the door open for people to be able to share their stories. Because the more we get, the more everyone can share their own stories, their own experiences, the vulnerabilities we have, the more it gives others the opportunity to do the same and create something that's even better what than what they could have imagined.
01:12:19 Yeah. This was a great way to spend the last ooh, hour and a half Almost.
01:12:24 I know. That's it. When you get two chatters. That's it. Yes. You're off. Oh, wonderful. Alyssa, thank you so much for joining me and hopefully we'll catch up soon.
01:12:36 Yes, absolutely. You have a great rest of your Day.You too. Thank you. Bye Bye.
01:12:41 I really hope you enjoyed listening to this episode of my, It's A Bonny Old Life podcast. If you did, I'd be so grateful to you for emailing me or texting a link to the show. We're sharing it on social media with those you know, who might like it too. My mission with this podcast is all about sharing mine and my community's experience and hope by telling your fascinating personal stories,
01:13:05 championing the other amazing humans in my personal, professional, and membership community. And to create another channel through which I can support you to realize your coloured pencil and life dreams. If you haven't done so yet, please help me on my mission to spread positivity and joy throughout the Coloured pencil world by following me on my socials @BonnySnowdonAcademy, or by getting on my list at BonnySnowdonacademy.com.
01:13:28 And remember, I truly believe if I can live the life of my dreams doing what I love, then you can too. We just need to keep championing and supporting each other along the way in order to make it happen. Till next time,
